Most people like to put labels on everything, including you—categorize you and put you in a box. Though I don’t agree with this, I do think it’s important to “find ourselves” through whatever means necessary in order to explore where we fit into the world. Now, what I’ve really learned is that finding yourself is not something you can necessarily “set out” to do. Finding yourself is an endless process, as we are human beings, ever-evolving and ever-changing. You will never be the same you that you are now, a month from now, 5 years from now, or 10 years from now, which is what leads us on the never-ending path to self-discovery.
This is something I’ve actually struggled with my entire life, contrary to popular belief (apparently). But through much self-evaluation and research, I’ve decided I’m going to refer to myself as an extroverted introvert… essentially, an introvert with extroverted qualities. Not that this in any way whole-heartedly defines me, but it does help me to realize why I may act or feel a certain way towards some things.
If you know me, you know I absolutely hate public speaking, I’m most likely the quietest amongst a group of people unless I’m totally comfortable with them, and absolutely cannot stand being put “on the spot.” I’m more of a writer so sometimes I have a hard time expressing exactly what I want to say verbally (because I legit think about everything I say before it comes out) and as a result, things may end up coming out weird and not the way I actually meant it. I’m likely to become awkward when making “small talk”… and oh by the way, I hate small talk (Pisces shit). But on the other side of that, I’ve never gotten anxiety in social situations like parties, etc., joined a sorority in college, have performed on stage multiple times (when speaking is not required: dancing, modeling, stepping, etc.), and have been told I’m actually good with people, contrary to my personal belief.
I have to be totally and completely comfortable in order to open up and be my true self. It’s something I’m not totally proud of, but it’s just me. I’m one of those people who’s always in my head about things. I wonder what people will think if I say how I really feel, and I’m always conscious of hurting feelings or coming off offensive or judgmental, because I’m not at all. So usually, if I don’t have anything good to say, I won’t say anything at all. A lot of my opinions are kept to myself. And again, not the healthiest form of expression! I always wished I could be one of those people who was just totally comfortable expressing myself and said and did whatever and didn’t think too much about it… but alas, that’s just not the way my mind works. With age, though, I have noticed that I’ve been improving.
I also love being in the house. I am such a homebody and I’m so comfortable being alone in my own space. I love getting dressed up and going out, but never will attend something by myself—I must be accompanied (working on that currently, since I don’t have many friends who live around me to do things with). I find myself constantly wishing I knew more people or connected and forged more relationships… but the reality is I just don’t vibe with everyone. And though I haven’t tried as much as I probably could, so many things turn me off and I’d rather be alone than to keep company I’m not comfortable with. If the energy ain’t right, we can’t be tight! And I’m okay with that. Never allow anyone to make you feel bad for protecting your space and your energy.
For some odd reason, I have a hard time maintaining friendships. And not at all because I’m not a good one, I’m actually a great one. A loyal, down ass, tell-you-how-it-is, supportive, encouraging friend. I’ve bent over backwards for friends I’ve had in the past but never seemed to receive that same gesture or treatment back. I’ve had a few “best friends” in life that I really thought I’d be close with forever, that fell apart over the pettiest things. But I also get into these spaces where I don’t feel like speaking to anyone, and it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. I respect my feelings, and allow myself to sit in those spaces. If you call, text, reach out during those times… I may not answer. But the good friends I’ve been able to keep don’t take it personally; they know. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to decompress, and we shouldn’t feel forced to do anything we don’t want to. This is a necessary life skill.
I say all this to say, we’re only human. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Feel however you feel and allow yourself to sit in that moment, and move on. We like to neglect our feelings as if they’re not worthy of being felt. We are under the impression that we need to have our shit together all the time and be calculated and know everything, but in all honesty, that’s just not real life! And God has a way of throwing us curve balls when we think we have it all figured out.
This may all seem way off topic and in no way remotely related to these photos, but when I looked at them, I was reminded of similar conversations had on this day, spending time with a sorority sister of mine (plus, people have been asking me about this jacket forever). We got into the topic of how keeping “friends” is so difficult for us because of our personalities—we’d prefer to text over talking on the phone, don’t go out much unless for a specific occasion or reason, and are easily annoyed by people in general. And I realized, we’re all different, and we shouldn’t have to apologize for that! As much as I’d like to be a little more outgoing, progress is a process. I was reminded that I’m not alone in the world in the way I feel about things, and as long as I’m happy and healthy, that’s all that matters.
What have you learned along your path to self-discovery? I’d love to know in the comments below!
God is l o v e, love is real.
& this is where it all fits into, well… the Gray scheme of things.
denim jacket, Liquor & Poker
leather-look wrap skirt, River Island